Deep thoughts

Obviously, things are getting bad when friends and loved ones intermittently burst into tears while talking to you at random times.  The fact that I end up consoling THEM is also pretty ironic, but after thinking about it, it's really not.  Because one thing I've learned during my time on Earth is that it's way easier to leave than to be left.

I am really getting off easy here, if I do die in the 6 to 12 months that some sources have laid out for me.  Don't get me wrong- I hope they are incorrect, but if you had to choose your own death, what would it be?  Dying young certainly has it's advantages.  If I die of old age, given my habits, family history and body habitus, it would certainly be of things like diabetes, a stroke, heart disease.. something insidious and slowly painful.  I'll lose my youthful glow, my friends, my family.  I'll end up in a nursing home, alone, since I have no husband or kids.  There will be birthday parties where nobody comes.  Thoughts like that terrify me.  Here's the saddest picture I have ever seen:

I know, right?

So I have been given a several months heads-up that I might be a goner from stage 4 cancer... but I feel pretty good right now, I am surrounded by friends and loved ones, and for the first time in ages, every single member of my immediate family is in regular contact with me.  I don't think that I have been this happy since my early 20's, when I was gallavanting around the world.  (And probably contracting melanoma).  Is there a better way to go?  I can't think of one...

But after the third (usually stoic) friend ran off from me in choking tears the other day, it was then I realized- from now on, my life is really not totally my own anymore.  I need to be there for other people, making sure they get from me what they need.  Whether it's an apology for not being a good friend in the past, or spending time with someone so they have some more good memories of me, or just letting people help me, which is hard for me... I may be gone soon, but you guys will still be here with what you remember of me, and I want to make sure it's positive.

So you will continue to see more of me at social events, and yes I will call you back if you leave a voicemail, and yes I want to have lunch with you.  And yes yes yes a thousand times yes I am going to continue to fight this thing- my new round of chemo starts next Monday.  And you will hear about me making movies and TV shows and anything else that allows me to leave even the tiniest shred of evidence that I've been in this world.  And I want to write and blog and sort through old photos and make up with people and do everything to make things right... just in case.

I hope to see you all soon.  xxx

WOW

The responses of love and support have been almost overwhelming.... thanks to you all.

I have so much to say, and don't know how to begin to even say it.  Sister Leontine, my 5th Grade teacher at St. Teresa School, told me that I'd be a famous writer... so, I'll say that I will fulfull her promise that I will deliver some poignant prose before I die.  I just gotta think on it before then.

Obviously, she was a great teacher.

Here We Go Again

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to go on a spur of the moment road trip with my good friend Kelly Love.  I was still riding the wave of fun following my Kicking Metastatic Cancer's Ass Party, which was on September 10 and was a huge success.  Since I've recently retired from my job, I had the time off and a wonderful and willing traveling companion.  Why not?  So, I pushed the appointment for my follow-up scans back a couple of weeks, packed up Daisy, and hit the road.

On the way UP the East Coast, I stopped at Kelly's house in Lynchburg, VA where I spent several days relaxing during crisp Virginia fall days in their 100  charming year old house.  Next stop was Michele's house in Maryland, where we caught up 25 years in about 25 hours - she just started a yarn dyeing business and has a very active and witty redheaded 9yo son who sold me some drawings and a potholder.  From the quiet MD suburbs, I then drove North to NYC and all it's glory.  My friend Andrew just started grad school at NYU and we reconnected over flaming 151 creme brulees, piano lessons, and Dunkin Munchkins in a bustling park, before retiring to his Brooklyn apartment.  Each stop seemed to make me miss the person I was seeing again even more.  Next visit was Cathi in Long Island.  We've known each other since PA School, and she is now a stay at home mom to 3 gorgeous kids and a McMansion, with the McMortgage paid by Jeff who obviously is doing very well.  I know so many incredibly generous people who opened their homes to me, some at very short notice.  Finally, I arrived in RI at Bruce's house, and Kelly took the train up and met me there.  The 3 of us had a crazy night wandering around the Jaguar shop where he works, looking at cars worth more than my house, catching up, telling stories, reminiscing.  Kelly and I had a wonderful day wandering around Newport the next day, exploring the Cliff Walks and finding the diviest bar on Thames Street.  Went to my cousin Ellen's wedding, which was very fun and hopefully was not ruined by my display of boobies in the photo booth.  Spent time with my family based out of Sharon's house, lunched on Federal Hill, and had a bunch of friends over the night before we left.  The time went by so quickly and there were so many people I wanted to see more of- in fact, Xian even opened her mom's house to us near Atlantic City, NJ, and met us there, for a night that her mom declared "The Best Wednesday Ever".  Toured a vineyard and ate some local seafood the next day, and continued the fun down to Baltimore where we had a cool night in the Inner Harbor.  After a final stop in Lynchburg, I said adieu to Kelly and came home to a very lonely Lowell, who was very happy to see me.  I'd missed him, too.

My scans were a few days ago, and my follow up appointment was today.  The news was not good.  I've been having some fatigue and pain in the area of the surgery, around my right clavicle.  It turns out that there is another larger tumor there, about the size of a lemon.  Additionally, there are multiple tumors in both of my lungs.  All of these lesions are inoperable.  Chemo is my only option at this point. Dr Sosman went over several options with us today, and my best bet seems to be an experimental drug which is in clinical trials now.  As I have Stage 4 melanoma, the prognosis is poor, but this treatment may extend my life several months, or maybe even cure it.  Without treatment, I am probably looking at less than a year to live.  With treatment.... I'll just be optimistic and say "Who knows?".  But realistically, I am getting my end of life decisions in order while still taking off the gloves for the fight of my life.  I don't FEEL sick.  I'm keeping my chin up and staying positive.  I will find out later this week when the chemo will start, and I'll keep you updated as details unfurl.

Since I've been back,  I've been working part time as an extra on the set of the ABC series "Nashville" which premieres tomorrow.  It's fun and easy, and it's at least a little extra $, at least until my disability rolls in- Dr Sosman reassured me today that he will help make sure it is approved.  Lowell has been supportive and strong as always, and my family and friends have also been reaching out to me with love and support.  I'm still going to Gilda's Club for Group Therapy and love from fellow cancer fighters.  Thanks to you all.  I love you guys so much.  I don't plan on leaving anytime soon!

       (Big Thanks to actor Robert Wisdom, who let me keep his director's chair warm on set!)