A challenging, exhausting day at work. I love what I do, but some days just get to me. Today... got to me.
35 patients into my schedule, I noticed Robin*'s name appear. Her last name sent a chill down my spine, as I remembered her brother, Jake*. Immediately, I knew why she and her mom were coming in to see me. eClinicals listed "sinus problems" as her complaint, but I knew better. My desk calendar told me it was the one year anniversary of Jake's death.
Almost four years ago, I'd met Jake for the first time in the clinic. The son of an upper middle class mother with a mild attitude problem, Jake came in for hand pain after he "fell" on it. An xray confirmed a boxer's fracture, and his story did not fool me. Jake was 16, handsome, very tall and had an offbeat sense of humor. Teenaged me would have certainly had a crush on him. It took 2 or 3 well worded questions from me to have him admit that he had punched something. It turned out to be a wall, and I further learned that he had quite an explosive temper. Both Jake and his mom seemed to trust me right away, and once he was splinted, the conversation turned to the more important issue at "hand"- Jake's frustration with life, his anxiety and mood swings. We talked at length about his need for counseling, and maybe some medication. They left with an ortho appointment and a prescription for Zoloft. His mom called me 2 days later to personally thank me for my time, my caring nature, my genuine concern for Jake. "You got to him... and he needed that. Thank you", said Cathy*. She was weeping.
Cathy kept me updated over the next several weeks, as Jake slowly improved on the antidepressant. He called me himself too, an oddity for a 16yo. There were no more temper problems. He'd come in for medication refills over the next 2 or 3 years, and the occasional illness. When he got mono at 18yo, I reassured him that he'd be ok, and pointed him in the direction of a research study going on where he could make $5000 just for having the disease and donating his blood for research. "I have never been so frickin' happy to be sick. You are The Bomb!", he exclaimed. Cathy called me when he got accepted to college. Things were going well for Jake. I was as proud as I'd be of my own son.
And then, the unthinkable happened. 19yo Jake was driving his best friend home from a night out in Nashville, drinking. Drunk, he lost control of his truck, ran off the highway exit ramp, and killed them both. I couldn't go to the funeral due to my work schedule, but my coworkers and I sent flowers. I could not even imagine Cathy's grief. Jake haunted my nightmares for weeks. Did I talk to him about the dangers of drinking and driving? Did the Zoloft make him more impaired? Could I have done anything differently? Did he feel any pain? Will he ever be forgiven by his friend's family?
And now, a year later, 17yo Robin is still wrought with sadness, sleeplessness, guilt. Her symptoms border on irrational sometimes. Yesterday, at a Chinese restaurant, she was afraid to open her fortune cookie, imagining that it was forecasting something terrible which would happen to her. She misses her big brother. She's lost 40 pounds.
So in the middle of a cough and cold rush of patients in the office today, Robin and Cathy came in to see me. Robin had just been to a counselor for the first time today, but was reluctant to open up to him. But she opened right up to me, telling me all of her fears and worries between heavy tears and feeble smiles. "Jake trusted you, so I do too."
And I listened. I started her on Zoloft. And warned her about the dangers of drinking and driving. I hugged them both tight. I was unprofessional, and cried throughout the entire office visit. I wish I could do more. I wish I could tell them that everything will be ok. I don't know if it will. I can only hope I made a difference.
Somehow, I think Jake was listening, hands folded, smiling.
This is my hope.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Legendary Cure Concert
(For Jennie)
In the summer of 2004, Starwood Ampitheatre, which is outside of Nashville, had a special one day, and announced that for that afternoon only, all of the concert tickets for the season were selling for $10 each. I was on the way home from work and detoured down I-24. After standing in line for 2 hours, I had tickets for Chicago/Earth Wind And Fire, The Cure, DMB, Sting/Sheryl Crow, OzzFest, and ColdPlay. I’ve always been a concert lover, and Starwood is a cool outdoor venue. This is the story of how I didn’t get to see The Cure, and how that $10 concert cost Geoffrey $300.
The Cure was playing on a Wednesday night a few months later, and I was going with Gary and Geoffrey after work. I’d had a particularly shitty day at my job, and had been just been told that afternoon that I was going to be laid off. (The reason: our referrals had dried up after one of the doctors, who was hooked on OxyContin, pulled a gun out of his anesthesia fannypack during surgery and threatened to kill another doctor. This brought Channel 2 News to our office, along with the DEA and the SWAT Team. In the middle of clinic hours). So, I was fed up with work, freaked out by the events of the day, stressed out about supporting myself, and ready to kick back at a concert. On the way to the show, we stopped at Frugal MacDougal’s and loaded up on booze. Gary fixed me a Jager Bomb in the car. I filled my flask and stuck it in my bra. A couple more Jager Bombs in the parking lot, and we were ready to rock.
Walking past the concession stands, we noticed a large Captain Morgan’s display. Bellying up to the bar, Geoffrey plopped his card down and ordered 3 triples. In the distance, Arcade Fire was playing as the opening act. It was still light out, a beautiful fall evening. We sipped Cap’n and Cokes at a picnic table, and Geoffrey went and gathered another round. I was getting a serious buzz working. And I was feeling much more relaxed about work. "Everyone sucks but us", Gary toasted as we pounded our drinks back. Geoffrey kept them coming. Soon my mind was spinning. Woooooooo, I was feeling fine. Dandy enough to have a little stroll, wrapped in the blanket I’d brought, since our seats were on the lawn. G and G went to the bathroom, and I wandered off.
It had rained for a bit that afternoon, and the lawn was muddy. The last thing I remember was staggering by the crowd and sliding down a hill. My blanket was long gone. I guess I decided to take a little disco nap in a mud puddle. In my miniskirt. Soooooo sleepy. I was awoken by a uniformed security guard.. "I’m all set", I told him, lifting my head out of the dirty water. "Nothing to see here". Next thing I knew, I was being escorted to security. IN A WHEELCHAIR. Mud was encrusted all over my legs, face and hair. Concertgoers gaped at me as they waited for The Cure to take the stage. I prayed that none of them were my patients. In the security office, I puked in a trashcan for awhile, not realizing I was handcuffed to the wheelchair. Ever hit rock bottom? That’s where I was. Or so I thought then (I’ll tell my jail story someday when I’m ready...it’s even worse). The real police showed up a bit later, and ran my ID. I had puked myself a bit sober by that time, and repeatedly tried calling Gary and Geoffrey on my cell phone. Neither one answered. Eventually, I convinced someone that I was well enough to go find my friends. Mercifully, I was let go. I staggered to my car ("Why Can’t I Be You" played in the background) and sat behind it with my head on the bumper. I’m not sure how long I was sleeping there when Gary woke me up. It was, however, long enough for bystanders to decorate me with beer cans and confetti.
"Where the fuck have you guys been?!", he exclaimed wildly, and drunkly. "I’ve been walking around with a jar of mustard, squirting it on people’s hot dogs and stuff, and looking for you and Geoffrey". Geoffrey? I thought they’d be together. "I’ve been in security in a wheelchair. I rolled down a hill. Can we go home now? Can you drive?". I laid back down on the bumper. "What???", Gary exclaimed. "We haven’t even seen the concert yet! But fuck it- we’re leaving him here". Gary took my keys and I climbed in the back seat and fell asleep again. I awoke to the sound of a voice over a microphone. "Are we in a drive through?" I asked, as Gary shouted an order into a Jack In The Box receptacle. "Go back to sleep", he told me. Soon enough, we were back at my condo, and I was in my own bed.
The next morning, my alarm rang as usual at 6:30am. "BOOP. BOOP. BOOP. BOOP." Every cell in my brain vibrated to the auditory explosion, which was matched with the image of a thousand middle fingers being flipped at me inside my head. Holy shit. I had to go to fucking WORK. If this hangover had happened 2000 years ago, it would have been mentioned in the Bible. I dragged my ass outta bed, drank a 2 liter bottle of Sprite and 4 Excedrins, showered the mud off my body, and looked for something to wear. No clean scrubs. No clean clothes, for that matter. I threw on a low cut dress and drove to work, hating life.
At work, where I’d be for only 2 more weeks, I checked out my schedule- 40 patients. I threw on my lab coat and buttoned it up to my neck, hiding my cleavage. My nurse, Karen, graciously got me a large bottle of water and asked if I was OK. "Girl, I feel like I’m gonna die. I never go out on work nights, but I did last night. Please be easy on me today". She was. At lunchtime, I went outside to my car to take a nap in the back seat. That’s when I noticed my car, which was parked in the doctor’s lot, was littered with Jager and Morgan bottles. I moved it to a more vacant area.
After the shift from hell, I realized that I still had no idea where Geoffrey had gotten to. I called him on the way home. "Why’d y’all leave me?", he whined. "I had to take a taxi home, for $75.00. I was like the last one there in the whole ampitheatre". Poor Geoffrey. Add to that his $200 bar tab.
New Rule: I no longer go out on work nights, no matter what is going on. I got a better job a few weeks later, and a great reference from work. I also lay off the hard stuff most of the time.
Maybe someday I’ll get to see The Cure, too.
In the summer of 2004, Starwood Ampitheatre, which is outside of Nashville, had a special one day, and announced that for that afternoon only, all of the concert tickets for the season were selling for $10 each. I was on the way home from work and detoured down I-24. After standing in line for 2 hours, I had tickets for Chicago/Earth Wind And Fire, The Cure, DMB, Sting/Sheryl Crow, OzzFest, and ColdPlay. I’ve always been a concert lover, and Starwood is a cool outdoor venue. This is the story of how I didn’t get to see The Cure, and how that $10 concert cost Geoffrey $300.
The Cure was playing on a Wednesday night a few months later, and I was going with Gary and Geoffrey after work. I’d had a particularly shitty day at my job, and had been just been told that afternoon that I was going to be laid off. (The reason: our referrals had dried up after one of the doctors, who was hooked on OxyContin, pulled a gun out of his anesthesia fannypack during surgery and threatened to kill another doctor. This brought Channel 2 News to our office, along with the DEA and the SWAT Team. In the middle of clinic hours). So, I was fed up with work, freaked out by the events of the day, stressed out about supporting myself, and ready to kick back at a concert. On the way to the show, we stopped at Frugal MacDougal’s and loaded up on booze. Gary fixed me a Jager Bomb in the car. I filled my flask and stuck it in my bra. A couple more Jager Bombs in the parking lot, and we were ready to rock.
Walking past the concession stands, we noticed a large Captain Morgan’s display. Bellying up to the bar, Geoffrey plopped his card down and ordered 3 triples. In the distance, Arcade Fire was playing as the opening act. It was still light out, a beautiful fall evening. We sipped Cap’n and Cokes at a picnic table, and Geoffrey went and gathered another round. I was getting a serious buzz working. And I was feeling much more relaxed about work. "Everyone sucks but us", Gary toasted as we pounded our drinks back. Geoffrey kept them coming. Soon my mind was spinning. Woooooooo, I was feeling fine. Dandy enough to have a little stroll, wrapped in the blanket I’d brought, since our seats were on the lawn. G and G went to the bathroom, and I wandered off.
It had rained for a bit that afternoon, and the lawn was muddy. The last thing I remember was staggering by the crowd and sliding down a hill. My blanket was long gone. I guess I decided to take a little disco nap in a mud puddle. In my miniskirt. Soooooo sleepy. I was awoken by a uniformed security guard.. "I’m all set", I told him, lifting my head out of the dirty water. "Nothing to see here". Next thing I knew, I was being escorted to security. IN A WHEELCHAIR. Mud was encrusted all over my legs, face and hair. Concertgoers gaped at me as they waited for The Cure to take the stage. I prayed that none of them were my patients. In the security office, I puked in a trashcan for awhile, not realizing I was handcuffed to the wheelchair. Ever hit rock bottom? That’s where I was. Or so I thought then (I’ll tell my jail story someday when I’m ready...it’s even worse). The real police showed up a bit later, and ran my ID. I had puked myself a bit sober by that time, and repeatedly tried calling Gary and Geoffrey on my cell phone. Neither one answered. Eventually, I convinced someone that I was well enough to go find my friends. Mercifully, I was let go. I staggered to my car ("Why Can’t I Be You" played in the background) and sat behind it with my head on the bumper. I’m not sure how long I was sleeping there when Gary woke me up. It was, however, long enough for bystanders to decorate me with beer cans and confetti.
"Where the fuck have you guys been?!", he exclaimed wildly, and drunkly. "I’ve been walking around with a jar of mustard, squirting it on people’s hot dogs and stuff, and looking for you and Geoffrey". Geoffrey? I thought they’d be together. "I’ve been in security in a wheelchair. I rolled down a hill. Can we go home now? Can you drive?". I laid back down on the bumper. "What???", Gary exclaimed. "We haven’t even seen the concert yet! But fuck it- we’re leaving him here". Gary took my keys and I climbed in the back seat and fell asleep again. I awoke to the sound of a voice over a microphone. "Are we in a drive through?" I asked, as Gary shouted an order into a Jack In The Box receptacle. "Go back to sleep", he told me. Soon enough, we were back at my condo, and I was in my own bed.
The next morning, my alarm rang as usual at 6:30am. "BOOP. BOOP. BOOP. BOOP." Every cell in my brain vibrated to the auditory explosion, which was matched with the image of a thousand middle fingers being flipped at me inside my head. Holy shit. I had to go to fucking WORK. If this hangover had happened 2000 years ago, it would have been mentioned in the Bible. I dragged my ass outta bed, drank a 2 liter bottle of Sprite and 4 Excedrins, showered the mud off my body, and looked for something to wear. No clean scrubs. No clean clothes, for that matter. I threw on a low cut dress and drove to work, hating life.
At work, where I’d be for only 2 more weeks, I checked out my schedule- 40 patients. I threw on my lab coat and buttoned it up to my neck, hiding my cleavage. My nurse, Karen, graciously got me a large bottle of water and asked if I was OK. "Girl, I feel like I’m gonna die. I never go out on work nights, but I did last night. Please be easy on me today". She was. At lunchtime, I went outside to my car to take a nap in the back seat. That’s when I noticed my car, which was parked in the doctor’s lot, was littered with Jager and Morgan bottles. I moved it to a more vacant area.
After the shift from hell, I realized that I still had no idea where Geoffrey had gotten to. I called him on the way home. "Why’d y’all leave me?", he whined. "I had to take a taxi home, for $75.00. I was like the last one there in the whole ampitheatre". Poor Geoffrey. Add to that his $200 bar tab.
New Rule: I no longer go out on work nights, no matter what is going on. I got a better job a few weeks later, and a great reference from work. I also lay off the hard stuff most of the time.
Maybe someday I’ll get to see The Cure, too.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Quiet In The House!
Lo and Meg got up early on this Sunday morning and went to the Tennessee State Flea Market across town. Lo is making a hot rod out of a 1949 Chevy Truck and needs some fenders for it, and Meg no doubt brought her camera to shoot some interesting stuff. I have to work in a little while, so I slept in and am actually alone in the house. I honestly cannot remember the last time this happened. Between working about 60 hours a week and having Lo work from home, it's never ever quiet here. Even Baxter hasn't howled once this morning. It's blissful!
I'm working in the Nolensville office today, which I call "non-work". This office is slow, my coworkers are cool, and it's almost like being paid to hang out with friends. I've got a bunch of credentialing paperwork to wade through while I'm there, but overall it should be an easy day. Working at my usual office, in Murfreesboro, is the opposite. I stilllike love my coworkers, but it is a nonstop madhouse. One day last week I could not even pee for 8 hours, it was back-to-back patients the whole time. The time goes by quickly though, and there is a great deal of camraderie with being sent to the trenches together. Sometimes I almost hope it gets even busier, just to see how insane it can get. It's also sad to say that at this point in my medical career, 18 years in, I am jaded to the point that the best part of working in a walk-in clinic is the fact that most patients you will never, ever have to see again once the door hits them in the ass. Yes, that is sad! I have had my share of truly horrible jobs in my life, and I am very lucky that I have finally found my niche.
Off to jump in the shower, throw on some scrubs, and onward to cure the common cold!
I'm working in the Nolensville office today, which I call "non-work". This office is slow, my coworkers are cool, and it's almost like being paid to hang out with friends. I've got a bunch of credentialing paperwork to wade through while I'm there, but overall it should be an easy day. Working at my usual office, in Murfreesboro, is the opposite. I still
Off to jump in the shower, throw on some scrubs, and onward to cure the common cold!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Virgin Posting!
For years, I have been told that I need to "write a book", or chronicle the crazy stories that I've collected over my lifetime, living all over the world and meeting some wonderfully eccentric people. This blob will be my initial attempt to write about some of my experiences. I hope you enjoy it. Please bear with me as I relearn how to write and also figure out how to use all this computer software.
I have boxes and boxes of photos that I hope to sort through, scan, and share my stories about. Many nights lately, I have laid awake in bed and fretted that my memories will be lost if I don't record them somehow. I can't wait to share them with you. I am open to suggestions and requests. Want me to share something that happened with you and me? Just ask.
I'll also be peppering my blob with information about what's going on around me right now. I'm happy to be in NashVegas, surrounded by amazing friends and the best boyfriend in the world. Baxter is at my feet right now and just howled in agreement. It is a beautiful late summer afternoon, and Lo, Meg and Brenda are all with me sitting on our patio and drinking Corpse Revivers. I just got out of the pool, Puffy Cheeto dust is sprinkled on my keyboard, and Meg just finished trellising our tomato plants. It's been a good day.
We're putting steaks on the grill in a little while, and I am wondering which anecdotes to start with... stay tuned!
I have boxes and boxes of photos that I hope to sort through, scan, and share my stories about. Many nights lately, I have laid awake in bed and fretted that my memories will be lost if I don't record them somehow. I can't wait to share them with you. I am open to suggestions and requests. Want me to share something that happened with you and me? Just ask.
I'll also be peppering my blob with information about what's going on around me right now. I'm happy to be in NashVegas, surrounded by amazing friends and the best boyfriend in the world. Baxter is at my feet right now and just howled in agreement. It is a beautiful late summer afternoon, and Lo, Meg and Brenda are all with me sitting on our patio and drinking Corpse Revivers. I just got out of the pool, Puffy Cheeto dust is sprinkled on my keyboard, and Meg just finished trellising our tomato plants. It's been a good day.
We're putting steaks on the grill in a little while, and I am wondering which anecdotes to start with... stay tuned!
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