I've been avoiding the harsh reality of my medical condition for several weeks now, and it was brought to my attention yesterday afternoon as I was eating my lunch and perusing a local medical newspaper. An article about melanoma mentioned a new drug (one that I unfortunately do not have the genetic makeup to benefit from) - and how it was increasing the life span of patients with metastatic melanoma. According to this article, the current prognosis of patients with metastatic melanoma is between 6-10 months.
6 to 10 months.
I have not slept a wink all night.
If this is correct, and yes, it seems to be true... what do I do?
I am healing up ok, back to work for a week now, still in pain and have a post-op infection, but every day is a little better. I see my oncologist in 4 days, and these are certainly questions for him... but he is not really good at giving me a straight answer.
If I truly have less than a year to live, do I continue working? Or do I cash in my 401K, file for disability, and travel the world while I still can? Is this really happening to me? I feel like I should be writing my life story right about now. What am I leaving behind, besides some stories of a few cool parties and some sad friend and family members? I've got no kids, minimal savings, no major accomplishments, no Wikipedia page, and all kinds of loose ends. I don't have a will, and don't even really have any shit to PUT in a will! I have enough life insurance to not burden anyone with my funeral, but... my life is going to be more significant than this, right?
RIGHT?
My good news of this weekend is that Friday morning, there was a person sleeping on my patio when I woke up to go to work. It was my brother, who I had not seen in almost 3 years. From 1500 miles away, he came out of the woodwork to make peace with me. At least if I go soon, it will be without the pain of never seeing my brother again. It's Father's Day today, and I can feel Dad smiling down from Heaven and happy about this. As a family, we have some more forgiving to do with each other, but maybe if I do go this year, I will at least have helped to bring the Colbys back together. We're a crazy bunch, but we're good people.
So, Gentle Readers, I ask you... if given a year to live (even if I am wrong, and I do hope I am)... what would YOU do? I need advice.
If I had less than a year to live, I'd douse myself in nitroglycerin and run head first into a brick wall, knocking it down like some kind of morose kool-aid man. At least that's what I'd do if I KNEW I had less than a year. I keep telling you to stop thinking the way you are. It's not doing you any good.
ReplyDeletehttp://i.imgur.com/Wa4OB.jpg
ReplyDeleteIf I had less than a year to live, I would: get my affairs in order so that no one has any hassles later, travel while I still felt well. Then I would surround myself with the people I love, and keep writing.
ReplyDeleteHow magnificent that your brother came to you. And YES, your dad is smiling.
My Billy passed away on Tuesday morning. I was asleep by his side when he left.
I know the 'committee' in your head must be working over-time.
You have a loving partner at your side, and many wonderful loving friends who will show up for you. I wish I lived in Nashville, sugar. I would be there in a heartbeat for you. I have always admired you, loved that big ole heart, and you made me laugh when I didn't feel like laughing. I send you my love and light all the way from the left coast.
Your friend,
Maggie
Hi Kris
ReplyDeleteyou know I am a kind of quiet person, but I just had to comment...
First of all, i am sorry.
Secondly, I'd go the route of getting my affairs in order, and then doing whatever the hell I wanted while I could.
Thirdly, I have to disagree with your assertion that you will have not left anything behind. So you don't have a wiki page.So you don't have kids. So you don't have a ton of assets. Big fucking deal.
What you do have is quite remarkable, quite rare, and very precious.
You have touched so many lives. Your patients. Your real life friends. The disparate group of stumblers that you have brought together. People like me, who don't really interact with you much, but who have admired and respected you for years.
You've slayed me time and again with your wicked wit. You've touched me with your huge heart.
I can't think of many people who have impacted so many others.
Mad respect for you, girl
Laurie
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